For a little while there, I stopped wanting to love people. I thought I would do it so I didn’t get hurt when I leave.

I stopped spending quality time with my closest friends. I tried to let them fade away – because what was the point anyway? I was only going to leave, and if I stopped seeing them now, it would be easier by the time I actually move.

It’s a big problem I have. Before anyone can hurt me, I push them away. Or if I think something is going to make me sad, I avoid it.

And then I read this beautiful string of words by a woman I sort of know, about how deeply she loves the people in her life and how much she revels in it (I think that’s what she was saying – that’s how I read it anyway).

It kept going around and around in my head. It wouldn’t go away. I didn’t want to understand why it made me sad.

Finally there was no denying it. It was time to look at my life.

I want to live my life bravely – like the woman who wrote about deep love. Her courage to love truly is far more admirable than my history of running away from what scares me.

So here is my new goal:

I will be like Max in Where the Wild Things Are. I won’t run away from my scary monsters – I’ll dance with them.

I’m still scared of being sad when I go away and not having my friends to be there to help and support me. I’m scared of going to work that first day and not having anyone to come home to and say “well – that was hard!”. Or someone to give me a hug when I get homesick. Or someone to get lost on the Underground with.

But I guess that was the point of going away in the first place…

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