I have a crush. Actually I have a number, I’m that sorta girl. But there’s been someone I’ve had a little twinge of feelings for, for quite few years now. It’s hard to write about here, since I can share so little about it, but it’s been the biggest thing happening in my head today, so this seems the most appropriate place to vent my frustrations.

I’ve just found out my crush is having a secret relationship. I live in Perth – he’s been on a few dates with her, and I even know they slept together last week. It’s Perth people, of course I know! But it’s a “secret” that nobody apparently knows, so I can’t even get antsy about it to anyone.

His new relationship shouldn’t hurt my feelings, because I’ve never even put myself in a position that he could possibly know how I feel, but it does. In a strange and displacing way. It’s like the world shifted, and someone forgot to tell me, so now I’m standing sideways trying to grip on to the walls…

My problem lately is that I’m doing the sisterly thing. I take charge, I listen to problems, I pat people on the shoulder, I fix their wounds and send them back off into the world. There’s nothing particularly sexy about that role, but it does fit me well.

And the girls at work have decided they want to fix me up with someone, but I keep saying no. The thing is, I’m not lonely – I do too much anyhoo, when the hell would I find time for a relationship?

But sometimes it would be nice to have someone who would read to me when I’m blue and laugh at me when I’m being silly. And yet, as I write that, I realise I already have someone who does that – my best friend and her partner move heaven and earth to make me happy, are always the first on the scene with cough medicine when I’m sick, and never ever make me feel like the third wheel, but rather as part of their family. So what is it I really want?

I know that as soon as I heard about my crush’s new relationship, I wanted to call one of my oldest friends, an ex boyfriend, and just hear him say “are you okay chicken?” Maybe it’s not a boyfriend I want, but someone who understands me without me having to explain how my brain gets from A to C, often missing B on the way.

I know I’m talking myself in circles here, but my resistance to, and desire for a boyfriend confounds me. I like the idea of the company, but I don’t want anyone to intrude on my life. I like having someone in my corner to back me up when the world is against me, but I also like to fight my own battles. I find it so hard to compromise, and yet…. Me thinks I’m far from a solution….

On another note, I’m thinking of moving to Melbourne. I feel desperately sure that I need to keep moving, and an earlier move to Melbourne (in 2002) was completely unsuccessful, maybe it’s finally time – maybe I’m really ready for Melbourne. Maybe it’s finally ready for me?